I'm sorry.

To All the Adults, Teens, and the Extraordinary and Vulnerable Little Ones...

I'm so sorry.

I know what it's like. And I'm sorry.

I am sorry that it has stolen the sanctuary and safety of the night for you. The safety of your home and your bed and what should be your safe space. 

I'm sorry that so much of your life was robbed by the actions of maybe just one other person, maybe many. I'm sorry it caused you to doubt who you really are for a while, to distrust life, to be afraid of and not even have relationships, to use drugs or alcohol to numb yourself, to leave your body and not even know a damn thing about disassociation and how to get back in it until you did. 

I'm sorry you've been cheated of amazing circumstances and relationships--and most of all of feeling safe-- because you couldn't value yourself enough to dive in, you couldn't see yourself as good enough for that nice person who genuinely wanted to love you and be loved by you and your extraordinary heart.

You couldn't see it possible for you. 

I get it.

I'm sorry you hid under a bushel basket for so long thinking that the world was a really hard and scary place and that love would never find you because you had done something wrong and were too stupid or dirty or wrong or...broken. I'm sorry if you've thought you were only broken goods and so it was better to play life over on the sidelines so nobody would have to be hurt by you and the darkness you hid inside in your bones.

I'm sorry if you feel like you've messed up your kids' lives because you've been too messy, too frail, to angry, too afraid to set boundaries because yours were all torn down at an early age and you learned to give every single part of yourself to the people who made you think that 'this' was all Love.

I'm sorry your kids have traits and actions and beliefs formed by your messed-up ways, and that it affects you even now, in so many ways, and that it seems a never-ending job to try to figure out why this or that keeps happening, until you figure it out, and they figure themselves out, and then you have a little win that you celebrate and high five and chalk up to life experiences that make us all stronger.

I'm sorry it messes up family vacations and dinners and other things because the dysfunction is so heavily wrapped into how you parent and cope and respond to each other. I'm sorry that so often someone ends up crying and wondering, 'why does this have to be so fucking hard, God?'

I'm sorry if you found yourself so many many times sitting and thinking that you just didn't want to be here. That it would be better if you were dead. That everyone would be able to move past the dysfunction that somehow you had caused, that it was all too big in fact ever to be healed or ever to find...peace.

I'm sorry that you as a child and you as an adult with a sadd little inner child had to figure out so many coping mechanisms, like lying to yourself, making yourself be silent, playing in your closet or backyard with imaginary beings and friends who actually were helping you and your developing personality figure things out in order to survive.

I'm sorry if you have seen yourself as such a broken person that you also think or thought you're too broken to have a nice partner or lover. That you have thought it couldn't be possible. Or that you have settled for someone equally pained and traumatized and maybe even abusive and shut down...because you thought that was all you deserved, and this was all you knew. I'm sorry you have thought you had to settle and that you probably did--over and over and over. 

It's all just a cluster.

Until it's not.

I guess I'm sorry not sorry that you GET to go on a different journey if you choose. It's not all paved with roses....but it IS all held in the Light, and that makes all the difference.

If you have chosen or want to choose this path I'm sorry you'll have to forget your old ways--and them. I really am. It sucks that that's the way to freedom. It sucks that they'll never come around and admit anything or say they're sorry for messing you up. It sucks that the big big wins are usually made during the dark of night at our points of lowest despair when we find ourselves down on our hands and knees, alone again, sobbing to life, and the Creator God who made us all. These are the times when we can't understand how this kind of appalling thing is allowed on this planet in the first place and how we can want to come here to a realm where chances are significant that we're going to have an incredibly disheartening and difficult childhood. I don't understand it completely--and yet, I do. 

But I guess there is a silver lining.

Slowly as I crawl out of the war zone, out of the battle, I'll share that I know it really is in the forgiving that we are truly set free. And it's alright if it happens at a soul level. I think that's where it has to start and sometimes the only way it can be because their human selves usually can't handle what they've done and they're in so much pain as well. They may never know or get or play any part in this liberation.

But if you can forgive your own self because you were so little and they groomed you from a young age, and if you can remember that at the time you really did not have a choice in your mind....if you can go there---even if it takse a few years and a lot of deep dives really to get it--that is just OK. In fact it's fucking herculean and you should get a damn award for it. But the truth is few may know of your efforts. But I know what it took. Rest assured, I will know.

if you can find it in yourself to forgive them--at the very least from a higher self/soul perspective...you truly will be set free, mabye over and over again. I'm on this path too. And it's not for the faint of heart. It's for the warrior goddess and god in you that won't settle until you have experienced a freedom inside that you have always only longed for. 

There's a path out...at least where the nights aren't so dark and lonely and the heart can find a place to calm and slowly open to the Divinity of this life. It's possible. But fair warning: It's going to take every. single. bit of moxy and courage and strength to find it. And it's going to take foregoing pity and staying in that shitty dark place and holding on to shame. And it's going to take letting the God of your understanding in. It's going to take all of this and more. That's the price of freedom.

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